All That Jazz? More like She's okay...

I wrote this awhile back, with this being Valentine’s Day I always like to bring it back…

Valentine’s Day is about to come and go. I don’t hate it but I’m also not going to marry it. I’m pretty okay with this holiday. Being a teacher sort of helps because you get to be cheesy and corny. Every year I buy cartoon valentines and make candy bags for the kids. I’m not one to sit down and watch a sappy romantic movie and I only sometimes watch a quirky romantic comedy. I find them to be corny, formulaic and blah. But I had time to kill while I made those kiddie candy bags and ended up watching a romantic movie the classics of all classics Dirty Dancing. As a child I really enjoyed this movie but then again having danced since I was 2, I pretty much loved any movie that involved dancing (really what child counts the soviet government/dance centered movie White Nights as a favorite? Yes me) 

I hadn’t seen the Dirty Dancing in years, after watching it I came to a realization Patrick Swayze’s Johnny is probably the biggest sappiest wussy guy ever. There are several scenes in the film where he acts so girly relationship like it made me laugh aloud. For those unaware of the plot, Swayze is a dancer/instructor heartthrob at a resort who I imagine they want us to believe is in his mid 20s (umm that’s pushing it). Jennifer Grey (pre nose job) plays Baby an idealistic and naïve 16 year old vacationing with her family. Well of course through some implausible and kooky situations they hook up. Much thanks to Johnny’s dance partner Penny for getting that messy backdoor abortion cause how else would these two kids have gotten together? After Baby’s father (the wonderful under used Jerry Orbach who most likely needed the check) helps Penny after that wacky abortion he forbids Baby from seeing Johnny or the other riff raff dance obsessed staff. 

Baby of course unable to resist the Swayze magic has been shacking up with Johnny the whole summer behind her father’s back. Johnny all of sudden goes from the suave dancer to the needy wussy boyfriend. He falls hard for Baby (really her?) mostly because she thinks he is someone special, when we all know he isn’t I mean one broken ankle and bam he can no longer Pechanga his way out of a sticky situation. One day when they aren’t sappily lip syncing to some 60s tune he tells Baby how he had a really great dream where Orbach put his arm around Johnny they laughed got along and he was finally accepted. Oh man Calm down Johnny! What guy has that dream? In another scene they are walking and Baby makes them hide behind a bush so her father and sister can’t see them. Johnny gets upset and asks why didn’t you tell your father “I’m your guy!” Really Johnny? When did you pin here? Oh my, are you taking her to homecoming as well? Hurt and feeling dismissed he tells Baby that she was never going to tell her family that to her it was just a summer fling and she will forget about him. Now mind you Baby isn’t saying much to say this isn’t true. Oh Johnny you act like she is the one that took your virginity. The girl is 16 and you are what 38? Oh sorry I mean “25” Stop being a girl Johnny. 

Don’t worry, all is resolved by the final dance number where Johnny thinks he is all bad ass by telling Orbach that “nobody puts baby in a corner!” Umm Johnny did you ever think there was assigned seating at the resort and it really wasn’t a corner per say. Orbach tells Johnny in so few words that he is okay for now with Baby screwing Johnny. But you know it is really because it is the last day of summer and come school time Baby is being shipped to a Switzerland Boarding school. Cue music and credits. Blech. Sappy. Boring movie with a good soundtrack well except for that Swayze number I mean it certainly isn’t Don Johnson’s “heartbeat”…. 

Next I subjected myself to another romantic comedy called “Till there was you” The movie filled with its cliché characters and I was a star in a 90s TV show cast was only memorable for the cool art deco apartment complex that takes center stage in the storyline. It never bodes well for a movie when you’d rather look at the architecture then the stale as a wheat thin acting of the stars. So yes avoid this on cable. 

I don’t hate romantic comedies I just dislike modern day ones because they try to hard and fall into annoying formulaic traps. I actually love romantic comedies well let me clarify I prefer the screwball comedies of the `1930s. Okay yes the plotlines are most often implausible but the women for all the traditional must get married ideals of that time didn’t seem needy. They didn’t act like each suitor was their last chance at happiness. The women in these movies were often described as daft but mostly because they were independent and resistant to being held back. To me that isn’t silly at all. Of course because it is the movies by the end they are wrangled into a relationship but it is on their own terms with someone they connect and have banter with. What girl wouldn’t want to marry Cary Grant or William Powell anyway? I would rather watch a screwball starring Carole Lombard or Claudette Colbert over the next weepy Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks vehicle planned any day. Screwball comedies had great actors, fantastic directors phenomenal scripts with the best dialogue. Oh how I miss that. 

If I have to see one more Neurotic Noreen crying with her overly generic friends while I live for Baseball Bob talks about the love of the game (yes meaning dating and baseball) or that Clumsy Claire falling all over herself while Macho One night stand Sam learns a lesson not by getting the clap (which he deserves) but by falling in love, I swear I think I might just shoot myself. 

Oh well that’s all I have for now I gotta catch the next showing of Fool’s Gold. It looks delightful ! Oh that McConaughey and Kate Hudson what have you cooked up this time!…. 

….Okay I’m back. Where was I? Oh yes I remember…..(Gunshot)…(thud)……….silence……..